Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The Jamaican Boy and the Elevator
A boy from rural Jamaica and his parents went to Kingston one day and were visiting a mall. While the mother looked for cotton fabric for a new apron, the father and son stood around, amazed by almost everything they saw. They were especially amazed by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is that, daddy?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
"Could it be a time machine?" asked the boy. “I read about in this book once where people leave the earth in shiny vehicles.”
"Praise the Lord", said the father. "There sure are miraculous things in the city."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
The boy asked, "What is that, daddy?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
"Could it be a time machine?" asked the boy. “I read about in this book once where people leave the earth in shiny vehicles.”
"Praise the Lord", said the father. "There sure are miraculous things in the city."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Technician vs. Management
A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a technician," said the balloonist.
"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault...
A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a technician," said the balloonist.
"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
TV Report from Norman Manley Airport
This is very funny if you can read and comprehend....Live Jamaican TV report from Norman Manley Airport High respect from
An American Airlines plane crashed and broke in two after landing at the
over 145 passengers and crew most of them Jamaicans returning home.
Boardlane TV news was on site to interview some of the passengers that were
able to speak to us about the events that took place after the crash.
Boardlane TV: Hi sir could you could you give us a moment and tell us how are
you feeling and what happened when you realized your flight crashed?
sudden mi si di miggle a di plane hice up ina di air and a dat time mi a penny sey
di rahtid sinting bruck ina 2. Mi all si wan suitcase drap outta di ova head bin
siting and lick out wan white man flat a grung. Im mite ina di plane still kunk out
an cyan git up cause everybody tep ova im ... man an woman a try cum outt
before di plane boom up!
Boardlane TV: No one stopped to assist the injured man?
yuh no seeit. Every man fi dem self cause yuh noh know if all a nex suitcase a
goh shoot out fram di ova head sinting an lick yuh out.. Trus mi!
Boardlane TV: Ok sir thanks very much and glad you are Ok.. Miss Over here.
Can you tell us how you feel and give us some insights on what took place on
your flight?
Matilda: Glorry Glorry. I sey Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Lady a cyan talk . Sweeet
Jesas. A nearly si di coming of mi Creata an mi nat even a wear desent drawz.. I
sey Glorrrrrreeeeeeee!! Alli-jullaaa!!!
Boardlane TV: Ok Mam thanks. Hi Miss over here Boardlane TV here. Can you
tell us what happened on your flight as it was landing?
Millicent: Dat Razzklaat Pilot noh know wey di Bongo Cyat im a do.. Im nearly
kill aff di whole a wi ina di big Chrismus haliday yah ..a fly di Bummbeet Plane
like im a deh pan Jet Ski pan di tarmac. A waan smaddy buss im Klaat an sen im
back a Flying school.. Dung to mi lickle 9 yr ole yout lan kite betta dan how dat
suckka lan dis big ole Bongo Cyat plane.. cho Blood Kleet .. come outta mi way
yah man.
Boardlane TV: Oookk?? Clearly she is upset with the pilot and understandably
so. Let's see ... Little one can you come over here and talk with us..How are you
doing?
Celine: Mi cyan fine mi mummy. Yuh si har fi mi?
Boardlane TV: No but maybe you can describe her and we can get some help for
you.
Celine: Mi mummy have wan b@tty big <
weave..an har finga nail dem have Chrismuss tree paint pan dem.. When di
plane crash shi tek aff an run wey lef mi. like shi figat sey shi have pickney pan di
plane wid har.. Dats how shi behave when har head tek har yuh mam ..shi noh
memba nutten bout mi.
Boardlane TV: Oh no. Go to the officer and find some help. Be safe. Let's get
one more comment from this gentleman.
Hi sir do you care to comment on the incident that just took place?
Percy: Sure I would loves to comments. Miss Lady, I and my mistress was in the
bock aff di plane han was very hestinguished when wi realize dot di plane do nat
landed good pan di runaway. So I jess tell di mistress to pick up di suitcase dem
han faller backa me.
Boardlane TV: You made her carry both suitcases by herself?
Percy: What mek yuh hosk? Yuh noh si how shi strapting an have trang back?
A wan cow dis yuh noh lady! Anyways hofta shi falla backs a me, wi truck aff troo
di side exit door an landed ina wan whole heapa gravel. Si hall my helbow chip
up fram di rackstone dem an yuh si mi mistress nat even get a scrotch how shi
tough. Dats why mi loves her so. A very trong women dis. Wi aroight dowes.. just
wont to find a batroom now fi change mi brief. Mi cyan ston ina di pee-pee no
longer.
Boardlane TV: Ok Sir God bless you and the mistress. Well ladies and
gentlemen there you have it. A very lucky set of passengers given the serioness
of the accident.We will have more comments from passengers as they get sorted
out.
Boardlane TV: We are now back on the air speaking with a few more of the
passengers from flight 331. Mister can you step over here and have a chat with
us. How are you doing.. you look a little Shaken up?
Trevor : Bway I neva experience anyting like dis ina my life sistren. A lissen mi a
lissen some trune pan mi Ipod an feel di plane a skid wey to blurtnaught. Di
bredren nex to mi look out a di window an start bawl out sey wi ago drap ina sea
wata to birdbeak!. Lady mi start pray unto Jah cause I man cyan swim a lick an
plus mi all hear sey nuff Alligator ina di sea.
Boardlane TV: Alligators in the sea sir? Where have you heard such a thing?
That's not true.
Trevor : Yuh a fool man .. Alligata ina di sea mi sey. Nuff time mi si dem lie dung
pan di banking when mi a fly out.. soh mi noh know wey yuh a chat sey. If wid di
crash ina di sea an hear sey Alligata nyam up all a wi wey yuh woulda sey eeh?
How unu can behave like a ongle unu wan have educatian soh? Tek man fi fool
an illeterate.. GO WEY!!
Boardlane TV: Ok. Clearly that is a very misguided passenger but we are glad
he wasn't eaten by Alligators nonetheless.
Looks like another shaken passenger heading our way. Over here sir. Can you
tell us what this experience was like for you?
Neville: Ioyoo cyooon taalkk naw iss.. mknot a ood hime
Boardlane TV: Sir what are saying? I'm sorry we can't hear you so good. Repeat
that.
Neville's Daughter: Sarry lady.. Papa cyan talk to yah now .im false teet fly outta
im mout when im head lick up pan di seat. Nat a soul cyan fine di teet all now.
Gad eeh know how dis man a goh nyam im Chrismuss dinna now widout'en di
teet. Lawd a mercy pan wi Pupa Jesas!
Boardlane TV: Ok Sorry to hear that. Well let's hope he will have a Merry
Christmas despite his missing teeth. God bless you.
Hi Hi young man come and talk to us over here. What's going through you mind
after going through what just occurred?
Rorie: Yuh really waan know what a goh troo my mine sistren? Is a spliff I waan
bun yuh noh seeit.. jah rastafari know. Dem kina ting wi mash up yuh nerval
system when rasta dey pan plane an it bruck up wid yuh ina it yuh noh seeit . Mi
teet dem noh tap rakkle fram mi lef outta di plane. I man need a weefah fi calm I
nerves but di bloodseed police bway dem a walk roun wid di sniffa daag dem sed
speed mek I man cyan draw fi di good herb. **Chaaaaa** Easy yaah mi sistren ..
I an I ago get ouuta dis
Boardlane TV: Ok we have time for just one more passenger .. Looks like this
lady is one of the more injured. Lets see what she has to say..
Sppptttt can you share with Boadlane TV how you got your injuries?
Silvia: Noh wan b@ttybway push mi dung a try race mi outta di plane mam. Mi
sey dem noh have no mannas enoh lady. Imagine dis American Airlines likle
punk fling mi dung ina fuss class an kick mi ina mi side when a jump ova mi.. Mi
sey if a neva fi mi artritis ina mi right han a tump im dung if a eva si im bout yah.
Look how mi frack dutty up like mi naah come fram nohweh!
Boardlane TV: Wait a minute you said he was an American Airline person?
Silvia: Yes lady! A wan a di Hair hostess bway do mi soh .. All yuh hear dem a
chat bout lef plane ardaly in case of emergency dem a di fuss wan a bulldoza
yuh when plane crash. Dem is jus like dem dam hooligan yuh si a stage show.
Dam set a viagro dem ..Lady dem only ina di stoosh unifarm like dem desent but
dem noh betta dan di hag dem yuh si ina pig style. Dutty Jankro dem!
Boardlane TV: Very interesting. Well there you have it folks. A very traumatic
day for the passengers as you have you heard. We wish all a pleasant evening
and thanks for tuning in to Boardlane TV.
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